#85 - Relationships Part 6

Our focus should be to become strong independent individuals. That means self-love and putting yourself in the first place (in a healthy way). You should have and be enough - first - so you will be able to support others, and create meaningful relationships which bring growth for both sides.

When powerful independent beings, are interacting with one another they create a healthy relationship that balances personal needs and the support of others. We can call it a healthy relationship.

Some relationships, however, are more challenging and require a lot of work. People aren't perfect and others might not see us either way. Relationships can evolve into something that has a negative energetic potential and is destructive for both sides.

We could categorize many different dysfunctional relationships, below I share with you a general characteristic, a mix of many different ones.

Signs of a toxic relationship:

• You are constantly sacrificing your own needs for the other person's wishes. You give a lot and get almost nothing in return.

• You don't feel appreciated, supported, or even accepted for who you are. That can accompany feelings of being erased, invisible or unfamiliar to yourself.

• You feel always like energy was drained from you. Leaving you feeling bad about yourself, insecure or unsafe.

• You are constantly criticized for who you are and who you are not. That makes you not feel yourself around them, brings self-doubt for own values.

• You feel lonely due to a lack of empathy and closeness.

• You are a victim of physical, emotional, psychological abuse.

• You are completely dominated by the partner. Manipulative and controlling behaviours. You feel not good enough. Your partner has only the right to decide for both of you. Jealousy has often a major part of this relation, which can be through isolating you from others. (codependency)

• You suffer from substance abuse, or the unchecked mental health of another person.

• You don't feel respected, rather disdain and resentment. They never remember important things for you - no support.

• You aren't practicing self-care. You stop doing things you love, or not even seek happiness in everyday life. You stop being positive about the future.

• You find it almost impossible to work through disagreements.

• You are not the best self around that person. They bring up negative behaviours which normally won't occur, but somehow in their presence, they seem to arouse.

• You live in the illusion that you cannot live without the other person. We can call it “relationship addiction”. Rely completely on their emotional needs, and they don't feel 'complete' and are not able to find life satisfaction without a romantic partner, or a best friend.

• You suppress your own emotions.

• You lie to avoid spending time with another person.

• You avoid other people such as close family and friends in order to avoid conflict with a toxic person.

• You live with the hope of fixing another person's problems. Being able to stay and support partners destructive behaviours, and in result, may hurt you mentally, emotionally, or even psychically.

• Another person makes important financial decisions (when you have the home budget) without consulting with you.

• Another person doesn't play in the same team. They always want to be better than you, making you feel bad about your achievements. That can damage self-esteem.

• Another person never takes responsibility and feels that it's not their fault. Or even worse, they will manipulate you, so you will believe that it's all your fault. It goes same to blame others for their own problems.

• Another person stonewalls you. Whenever you want to say something about the issue, your partner shuts you down, stops listening, or even walks away.

• They engage you in their mind-games. Especially dangerous, if they do it concisely.

And many more...

Being in a toxic relationship costs a lot of time and energy, therefore you are not able to normally grow as a person - you are deprived. It can cause serious health issues due to continual stress and you already know how stress can be destructive.

Pay attention to your closest community concerns. Who are your friends and family, engagement in toxic patterns, or sayings? It might be a red light for you as they can perceive things from a third person.

A toxic relationship can occur in families, friendships, romantic relationships, basically anywhere.

Before you will engage in a toxic relationship you can prevent it from harming you. Be always honest and assertive. If somebody exhibits toxic behaviour towards you - be straightforward - create a healthy boundary between you. Don't look for polite lies (excuses). If someone will feel offended for their negativity, well that's not a matter of concern. Keep yourself open for the person who wants to consciously work with their destructive behaviour, or simply suggest that person a therapy. That's a part of self-love.

However, when you are already engaged in a toxic relationship. They are possible to be healed, but require substantial and difficult work to transform them. Leave the hope that things will 'change somehow', and that it will all be all right, and stop making excuses for their bad behaviour. It requires work from both sides, and that's what makes it often almost impossible to jump over. Realize that some toxic people simply are unwilling to change. Both sides have to admit that there is something not right. Seeking professional help might be necessary, as we might not have the right tools to transform behaviours.

Steps to take:

• Consciously decide that you want to take responsibility from your side to change the situation, so you take a chance to heal the relationship.

• Talk to the person about what you are witnessing. Remember about assertive communication. Communicate your needs and feelings. Use "I feel..." instead of "You make me feel..."

• Together discuss the challenges and let both of you decide, if you want to change them and what steps can be taken. Set boundaries and rules that will satisfy both sides. Remember to meet both people's needs. You can make a paper contract and write everything that you agreed upon.

• Seriously consider therapy. There is nothing to be ashamed of. It's okay to seek professional help for a person who managed to guide others towards a healthy relationship.

• Set temporary separation, so you will work on creating healthy independence. During this time use it to really dive deep into yourself. Rethink everything. Most importantly, take a deep breath and relax.

• Find hobbies of your own.

• Widen the circle of people around you.

• Sometimes when it is required, you might want to limit time and interactions with toxic people.

If, after some time and hard work, things will turn out to be better. Make sure to don't dwell on the past, that won't bring anything good. Move forward and focus on creating new beautiful memories.

It's important to notice, that relationship is made up of more than one individual, so your actions, words, and behaviour also matter! In other words, something has to resonate within you with another person in order to make it toxic. Is simple to look at the actions of another person, but we need to look equally at ourselves.

If nothing seems to work, it's time to leave. When you really mean it. That can potentially trigger another person's reaction and strong fear of not being abandoned. That can also trigger violence, so be prepared to surround yourself with help. It all depends on the specificity of the challenge. Luckily, if a person will try to save the relation, that's the time to offer professional help. Don't get into an illusion, when a person all of the sudden changes and will behave like another person - it's often temporary. It's most likely a self-protective mind program that was triggered. You know best that self-transformation doesn't happen overnight.

Everything has its own core, and it might be often rooted in childhood (but not necessary). Deep fear is one of the main reasons. Early traumas, living in a home where emotions are ignored or even pushed, abandonment, abused, lack of love.

We repeat the same negative patterns over again in our adulthood. It's important to scan our life and see if we didn't define toxic things as the norm."This is how relationships look like". Sometimes you might even see the same patterns occur on an everyday basis, but for some reason, you can't walk away yet.

With this understanding, you will be able to view another person with open heart and compassion.

As the name suggests "Energetic vampires" are people who feed on (drain) the energy from others. Their influence leaves a person feeling exhausted, overwhelmed, irritable, anxious, angry, and if "prey" is under their influence for a long time can lead a person to depression, emotional breakdown, or even physical diseases due to chronic stress.

Energetic vampires unconsciously, or worse, consciously use different methods to extract a person from the vital energy. They feed on: goodwill to listen, care, compassion, a kind heart.

If you encounter unaware energetic vampires they could get those traits from their parents, repeating the patterns.

They can be really anyone, friends, spouses, neighbour, workmates, family members...

Sometimes people simply have so many burdens and negative mind programs that they don't know any other alternatives on how to get energy in a constructive way. Some energetic vampires can be fit into the category of personality disorders where extreme end of this spectrum includes psychopaths and sociopaths.

Life and their unconscious decisions led them to feed on others...

The nature of energy is to flow, and whenever you are around people, there is some energy exchange. There might be moments where even you will take some position of unequal exchange - by temporary lack of awareness. However, it doesn't mean you will become an energetic vampire who doesn't know any better alternatives on where to get life force from.

Characteristic of Energetics Vampires:

• They do anything just to get your non-stop attention. They won't understand that you are busy, or in the middle of a conversation with somebody else.

• They are often charming, charismatic. Sadly in a non-constructive way.

• They aren't able to listen. They might act that they care about you, but as soon as you will notice, you will focus your attention on a discussion about them.

• They are great manipulators, may cheat, may lie. They might be aware of doing what they are doing because they see it works. Not being aware of long-term effects nor about other people.

• They use ultimatums. Emotional blackmail. Be aware.

• They can bully to make you fearful and insecure. So you won't leave them alone.

• They lack inner calmness. Their energy is like blasting flame which is constantly looking for fuel.

• They will make you feel obligated. They will do something for you, and in exchange, they will want your time, attention, and well, energy. It would be all fine, if you would look forward to spending time in a person's company.

• They can criticize you to get you emotional. It can be a reflection of their severely low self-worth.

• They will make you feel weak and dependent. Showing dominant behaviours, but deep inside full of insecurities. They might feel fear to be left alone.

• They are full of excuses. Dragging other people into emotional drainage and telling them about their problems, and they don't want to work towards fixing them either. Constantly complaining the same thing over and over.

• They lack boundaries. Often pushy, aggressive. Refuse to take no for an answer. Since they aren't able to accept refusal, they will go for any dirty tactics.

• They never take accountability. Even if they are the ones who caused the problem, they will never accept their fault. Instead, they will in a crafty way to leave you with guilt and blame.

• They can be drama queens. Always finding themselves in the middle of some crisis, feeding on people with their dramatic behaviour. Deep inside calling for the need of love.

• They can play helpless types of people who constantly want to rely on somebody's help. Can leave you with a feeling that you are never giving them enough.

• They are in need to complain. They aren't able to perceive positivity or neutrality.

• They dump their frustrations and negative feelings on others.

There are different types of energy vampires. With the characteristics above, you will be able to build sufficient awareness so it will be easier to react in a desirable manner.

How to deal with psychic vampires:

• You've already completed the first step. You uncovered their existence, when you know that somebody like this exists, even naturally, you will be able to not give away the life force.

• Remember, you are not being selfish. You love yourself and practice self-care.

• Build powerful, assertive character. Become a person who knows their own value, and is ready to say NO nicely if something harms you. You won't get affected even if some energetic vampire would try to drain you. Simply, there will be only awareness and you won't be susceptible to their tricks.

• Set clear boundaries. Say what you feel in a non-harmful way. Respect your time and set times boundaries for meetings. Decide how much space they will have in your life. It's up to you to decide, if you want to text them, call, or you are free for a meeting.

• Meditative mind. When dealing with an energy vampire remaining calm and not overreacting won't let anybody extract energy from you. Look beyond. When the conversation becomes negative, learn to respond in a non-harmful way.

• If you feel that you want to offer help. Tell them what you feel during and after contact, and what patterns you noticed. Keep the heart open. Those people need compassion, not judgment. If they would like to do something about it, feel free to offer guidance, instructions, and clues. The whole hard work has to be on their side. You are not responsible for solving their issues. Remember, giving guidance doesn't mean you have to work with a person as a therapist, that can be another potential trap that you might fall in.

• Don't expect anything. Don't feel disappointed when your needs aren't meet.

• When somebody doesn't want to change. Practice self-love, and if possible, limit interactions, or stop contact with them out from life completely.

When doing research you can find many other approaches. Most importantly, understand that this person needs compassion and love. "What could possibly be this person's life challenges which let him become an energetic vampire?"

Those people are often starving for love, attention, and acceptance. They are unaware that they need help. Remember, not all people have bad intentions.