#84 - Relationships Part 5

A miracle of life happened, a 'new' individual is being incarnated. You have a beautiful journey ahead of you. Your role as a parent is to give all the values, and things that you carry within you, and make mindful choices for your children and your family.

Raising a mindful child requires a mindful parent. Luckily you are self-conscious and you are able to share pure love. There is a higher chance that parents full of love and happiness will provide a positive environment for their offspring to become full of love and happiness themselves. Imagine programming all of those positive mind programs in the mind of a newborn.

All the positive habits which you have learned made a practical lifestyle, fulfilled with happiness should be a role model for future generations. That's the way to bring spiritual evolution into the world.

Children are not your property, nor your future investments, they are unique manifestations of a conscious independent energy. They are here to bring something new to this world. When a soul is incarnated, it has already imprinted its uniqueness. Detach from thinking that children are extensions of you. Treat your child as another independent person.

The mind of young children is not yet limited, they seem to have free connectedness with inner happiness. Their energy flows freely and they express things naturally without filters of the mind. Keep your mind open and accept that you are both a teacher and a student. They allow us to explore things that we tend to forget as we grow into adulthood.

There are many things which you can learn from children:

• It's possible to fully experience tiny pleasures.

• You can be happy for no reason!

• Curiosity is more powerful than 'fear'.

• Playtime is essential for keeping high energy levels.

• To never give up. They are simply confident.

• When you feel tired, relax and take a nap.

• No need to bottle up emotions.

• Everything is unique and exciting.

• It's so easy to make new friends.

• It's okay to cry if you are upset.

• To use more imagination.

• Be yourself and express yourself freely.

• Every day is a fresh new start.

• You can always ask "why?".

• It's completely fine to ask for help.

• Love unconditionally.

• You can forgive and forget so easily.

• To speak the truth.

• It's actually possible to live in the present moment.

It's interesting to study different parenting styles, especially when it comes to different cultures. That could give you some perspective. With inner feeling you will develop what's the best for your own parenting style.

However, in my opinion, there isn't anything like the best parenting style. There are simply different styles that bring different outcomes.

Some things which you can follow:

• Consider what are values, habits, knowledge you want to give and offer. Write it all down, and work to implement it. Observe, and most importantly, be flexible.

• Take care of the plasticity of the mind. High stimulation is especially important in the early years of development (first 5 years, and even while the baby is still in the belly). Be also mindful as boredom time is also okay.

• Get a rescued pet. A child growing along with a puppy provide a positive influence on child development. Treat the pet as a member of your family.

• Be always honest. You don't have to be a perfect parent, be simply the best version of yourself. Being able to admit that you are wrong, and that sometimes you simply don't know.

• Reduce digital time. It goes both for distracted parent and child.

• They need a good friend, not a boss. When you will be able to have a close relationship, it will be easier for them to listen for advice.

• Adapt. Instead of thinking you know what is best for them, let them choose. If you are mindful, you will get subtle clues on that. Your position is to give them opportunities, theirs is to follow the curiosity. You have an influence, but definitely, you don't have control over what your children will become.

• Independence and freedom. Let them experience. The best way to prepare children is to give them a little bit of taste of danger in a safe, controllable environment.

• Give up imaginary perfection which even you won't be able to keep up. They need some free time, just like everybody. Focus on yourself and on mastering your own daily routine. Be an inspiration, a lot of learning comes from observation.

• Set exclusive everyday time for them. Read, eat a meal together, engage in sports. Be fully present. That will create beautiful memories.

• You are the most important. Taking care of your child also includes taking care of yourself. If you will be happy, you will be vibrating this to the outside world.

• Most importantly - love unconditionally. Contemplate what is unconditional love and observe what are the reflections of it in everyday life? The rest is simply natural, and it will come what to do.

“A smart person learns from his mistakes, but a truly wise person learns from the mistakes of others.” ~ Ken Schramm.

It's good to avoid things that most of the parents regret making. Here is a list of the common parenting 'mistakes' that can possibly bring negative impact on kids development:

• Be the example, not a preacher. Instead of telling all those 'how to do' lectures, better show them through your behaviour.

• Fighting with partner in front of the kid. Letting children observe how destructive emotions take control won't bring any good for their sponge-like brain. Asking them whose side they must take in the conflict is especially destructive.

• Lack of quality time. Children crave their parent's attention. Being too busy might negatively impact your children.

• Digital taking over. Letting children get addicted to mobile devices, computers, and tv.

• Unhealthy discipline. Spanking and yelling only show the helplessness of parents who can't reach their child in any other way than arousing fear. After being threatened, child often calms down, but it doesn't fix the problem. Leaving rebellion, incomprehension, and desire for revenge. It brings anxiety and hurts parent-child relations.

• Projecting personal goals. Pushing your kids to do things that you wished you did, back when you were young. You should let your kids figure it on their own, support and encourage them to try many different activities.

• Passing phobias. "Badman will come and take you away, if you won't behave in a way I want you to" and other weird constructs.

• Trying to force one parenting model. As mentioned before, every child has specific needs and we must be able to adjust.

• Being overprotective. You must expand child's freedom as they age. Slowly building independence. Constantly guarding and correcting your child might lead to a lack of will to try new things, or learn from mistakes.

• Not letting kids make mistakes. Let them explore so they will be able to handle themselves. Even if that will bring some bruises, it's worth it for the sake of getting experience.

• Not listening to kids. Taking away a voice from them takes away the possibility to express their feelings and emotions, and makes them feel less valued, as their voice doesn't matter.

• Lack of empathy. When they are upset, angry, frustrated before you react, put yourself in their shoes. They simply might lack a way to cope with challenges. That will help you to build a deeper relationship.

• Comparing your kid with others. A typical example is to compare grades to classmates. It will only affect self-confidence, therefore, impact future performance. You should be a friend and help them to figure out the reason why is not able to perform, and help to find a way to improve.

• Avoiding 'bad' facts about life. Creating an illusion that everything in the world is friendly might lead them to live in a fantasy world.

• Lying about sex. All those funny stories about where children are coming from. Not giving them the information they are looking for will make them look for less reliable sources. They might become embarrassed and ashamed about their body and that can interfere with their sexual lives.

• Expecting perfection. Putting too many restrictions, obligations and expectations won't give them a space to find out who they really are. That can take the wonder of childhood. That approach can result in low self-esteem in adulthood and feeling of being lost.

• When one parent says yes, and the other says no. You have to be united in front of the children.

• Using threats, shunning, or shame.

• Being inconsistent. If sometimes you are very strict and other times you don't care what kids are doing, they don't know how to act and what is expected of them. Being inconsistent also includes not sticking to the consequences of children's misbehaviour.

• Being not decisive. When you say NO, you have to mean it. You can't just simply wear down after some whining, screaming, or asking non-stop. You succumb after constant nagging. You have to be clear with your decision and you have to stick to it.

• Giving them everything they ask for. It's good to make some surprises once in a while. But children need to learn to value work towards things they want.

• Forgetting about personal needs. First, you need to take care of yourself so you would be able to take care of others, that also include your child.

• Forcing (not giving choice) religious beliefs. I would suggest teaching about all the religions of the world instead of insisting on one 'real' religion. That will give them a choice and expand their perspective on the world.

• Not giving any responsibilities, or doing it instead of them.

• Protecting or saving kids from their own consequences, loss, and failure. It's good to give some space to learn lessons which come from it.

It's time for parenting homework. You are a big girl/boy now and you are able to learn a new skill, that is how to do research, draw conclusions and look for practical appliances of knowledge.

It's quite easy to find interesting things once you know what to look for ;)

There are other interesting theories that you might be interested in finding more about.

• Sigmund Freud - Psychosexual theory,

• Erik Erikson - Eight stages of psychosocial development theory,

• Jean Piaget - Cognitive development theory,

• John Bowlby - Attachment theory,

• Lawrence Kohlberg - Stages of moral development theory,

• Alfred Adler - Individual Psychology theory,

• Albert Bandura - Social learning theory,

• B.F. Skinner - Operant conditioning theory,

You can also search for different parenting styles, include parenting styles based on the country's location.

Once you will familiarise yourself with those theories, you will be enriched with a deeper perspective about human development. Based on your understanding you will be able to provide what is best in every developmental stage.

Have you found any other practical-interesting materials about parenting? Share it with us on MySpiritWay Forum.