#81 - Relationships Part 3

If you feel to surround yourself with more people, or potentially give a chance to meet the love of your life - pick up a challenge and advocate introducing yourself to complete strangers every day.

This world is made up of people, and it's crucial to learn how to become an easy-going person who mastered the art of meaningful friendships.

Building a network of acquaintances will open up a lot of opportunities. It expands your perspective of life, by learning about different views of the world and listening to amazing life stories.

Get out more often, do some active things and open yourself to new people. "I don't know where to meet people" - now you know.

Where:

• Infrequent - events. Google Events, Meet-up check, Local boards with activities - find them in gyms, libraries, pools. And find 2-3 events per week which you might find interesting, or just decide to try something completely new. When you will be there talk to the closest person on the left or on the right. You might find out that there will be people just like you, possibly shy to talk first.

• Frequent - events. Find out what drives your soul. Simply try new things. If you will attend regular events, it will help you do small steps towards talking to people. Start with a simple "Hey", take small steps, and after some time you will be ready to open for a longer conversation.

• Start putting some talking effort with coworkers. You spend 1/3 of your daily time with those people there.

When it will become natural for you to start conversations with strangers, you can really talk to people anywhere. Is important to open yourself up for opportunities that will occur once you will do it.

Always try to reach out first, you might say "Why I must be the only one reaching first" (actually a quite funny excuse), well with this attitude you are minimizing your chances by restricting the natural flow of being loving and open for new. People have dozens of blockages, and many of them are too shy to do the first step.

Let go of some of the mind programs:

• You don't need to have the same interests and hobbies to be friends with somebody.

• Don't always try to fit in. Simply be yourself (the best version), and you won't even realize and you will be surrounded by "your type" of people.

• Some conversations are going to fizzle out and become awkward. Some people just don't click. Accept it as a fact, and invite more interaction.

Are there any other convictions that stop you from making new friends?

In the communication part of this course, we are talking both about interpersonal - face to face and group communication - between three and more individuals communicating in a group.

When two people are communicating, there is more control over the process whereas in a group your voice will be a part of the bigger audience.

It often happens that you will engage with more than one person at a time. There are two different styles of communication: formal and informal. One of the differences between those two is that in an informal conversation, there aren't any rules. There isn't a special dedicated time nor queue for each person to talk. We will focus more on the informal one as we are talking about interacting with new people or a group of friends.

In a typical informal group meeting, it's completely normal that some smaller groups will create with some people, then dissolve and form new groups with other people, and so on.

Now where to find yourself in all of this? Be a part of this natural shifting nature, until you will find a need that you really want to engage in deep conversation with a specific person, then you can spontaneously shift towards one-to-one. Observe clues if a person feels comfortable and interested in the conversation.

How to behave in an informal group meeting:

• Who are the people around you? You might want to act differently in various groups. It's good to observe from the back and get an idea of an appropriate way to behave. When you will get fluent in group interactions, you get yourself in the centre of it. That will give you additional power of engagement rather than sitting on the side.

• Observe who leads the conversation. What does this person do differently than others? It's great to get as many examples of charismatic people as possible, so you will acknowledge how to become one yourself.

• Observe how the flow is going, on how people are getting their turn to speak.

• When you will have a chance to speak up. Make sure to make eye contact with all the people, simply by moving your gaze slowly from one person to another.

• Be mindful of your body language and voice. Act like a confident and charismatic person, and your mind will adjust towards it.

• Learn to be witty. People love an intelligent sense of humour.

• Funny enough, you don't have to be an alfa leader in a discussion to be perceived as a positive, open-minded, and smart person. You don't need to even open your mouth! Support others when they are talking. Mirror behaviour and body language of the group. When everybody is laughing, also laugh. When people are quietly listening, you also listen. That often will leave a positive impression.

• It's not recommended to talk about people who are not present. Backbiting. That's one of the killers of trust in eyes of others.

• Be mindful of statements that generalize certain groups - especially in a new group.

I am repeating myself, I know..., but that's how to get all of this stuff easier. Take a pencil to your hand and a big bulky notebook. Observe how celebrities and politics are leading the group conversation in talk shows and other TV programs. Highlight common behaviour, and try to implement it in your group conversations

And most important practice!

One of the killers of long-term relationships is that there is really nothing new going on, therefore it becomes a boring and predictable routine.

Every relationship needs quality, or let's call it a 'together time'. Schedule some fun things! Let yourself fill your and others' lives with enjoyable memories.

Pinch of ideas:

• Look for what to do in your city. There are websites like meetup.com where you can find events happening in your area. Festivals, concerts, performing arts, conferences, nightlife, family events, comedy shows. Really there are plenty of things to do outside!

• Google for ideas! Can't stress enough "where there's a will, there's a way". Look for things to do together. "What to do in (city)", "Event listing (city)", "What to see in (city)".

• Local newspapers and magazines might list cool activities.

• Find hobbies which you can do together. "Dancing lessons", "Team sports". Engaging and developing together - fantastic!

• Plan vacations - together. Sense of adventure and memories guaranteed.

• Do something new. Do you have something on your mind, that you didn't have a chance to do? Discover new things together.

• Cozy nights with warming tea, fireplace, and a lot of open discussions. Leave your devices away and engage in deep conversations for hours.

Remember to document all of those wonderful moments, so take photos! Tons of them! Invest in a good quality smartphone, or high-quality camera. Capture unexpected and secure them by uploading them into cloud service.

It will open another idea, which is reminiscing about them during some cozy evening. That can lift up moods and boost wellbeing.

There is nothing revealing about keeping your relatives close in your heart, as one of the important elements for maintaining a close relationship.

I know, sometimes lives can get very busy, and that's why planning a regular call or messaging to your beloved ones works can be a solution. You can also connect with someone with whom you have not connected in a while - communicating with them 'I know you exist', and 'I remember about you'.

Pinch of ideas:

• Send an encouraging message. If you know that somebody has some important event, life challenge, project, test in their life - they can make great use of few words of encouragement. They will remember it.

• Care about them. Ask others how are they doing lately, and that you hope that they are doing all right. Five to ten minutes call - even one time per week is great. While you are stuck in a traffic jam, sitting in a bus or cycling, or having an evening walk pick the phone and call your beloved ones.

• Highlight birthdays, important dates like anniversaries, holidays in your calendar. That's always warming when you remember.

• Send them a caring message. "I love you.", "I am thinking about you.", "Have a great day". Just because, without any particular reason.

• If someone calls you, try to call back within a day. You can send them an SMS or a quick response that you are all right, and you going to call them back.

Schedule reminders into your calendar and stay in touch.

One of the ways to show respect towards other people is to be punctual and show up at the planned meetings.

How does it feel, if someone cancels plans at the last minute, or even worse - doesn't remember about it at all? Sure thing, that there are occasional emergencies which are out of control, but if you cancel frequently nobody will appreciate it.

Get in habit of putting things into the calendar with at least two reminders 1 hour before, 30 min before (works for me). Additionally, it's worth reviewing your schedule the day before. Generally, it's good to keep all things in one place to avoid missing some appointments.

If, for any reason you can't make it, make sure to inform and apologize straight after when you find out that you can't make it. Be precise about why you can't make it, it's always good than saying "I just cannot". Consider also rescheduling on the other day and time. But if you're not sure, or simply not ready yet, don't give a hope of meeting soon. Be honest and truthful, and never set a meeting when you're unsure if you could make it and will look forward to it.

It might be that in your mind, that's not something important for you, but it doesn't mean that it's not for another person.

What are other ways to show respect towards another person? And their time?

We mentioned this topic before, but since we are talking about communication it's a good place for a reminder. How is your progress going about becoming more assertive? Are you satisfied with the results, or is that something that you need to put more work on?

Let's start from the beginning.

Assertiveness is about expressing your point of view, feelings in a non-aggressive and positive way with respect to others, while being clear and direct. It is a skill like any other and can be learned.

Assertive communication is based on mutual respect and it is effective. It shows other people that you respect yourself, thus you are able to set boundaries in a diplomatic way. It makes you feel strong and confident, opposite to passive behaviour which can lead to internal conflict. You simply know your value and your communication style reflects it.

To understand what does assertive communication is, let's see the example.

Your roommate asks you for a favour. He needs you to pick him up very late after a party. The place where he wants to go is 3 hours drive far from your home. You know that it would be destructive for your next day's job interview, due to a lack of proper sleep. You are aware that you cannot, or you don't want help this time.

Possible responses:

• Passive: "Hmm... Okay. I will help you"

• Aggressive: "Bro! I don't care about your party, and how you're going to get back home. I am not your taxi driver."

• Assertive: "I would help you if I could. However, I have a very important job interview tomorrow morning, and I need to make sure that I will sleep enough this night. Maybe you could take a train?"

There is no need to feel guilty while rejecting another person's request. You don't reject the person when saying "no" in an assertive way. Remember, your wellbeing always should be your priority.

Some people are so much into giving approvals without respecting their own schedule, that other people are using them. There is nothing positive about it, as relationships should be based on equal exchange, and if the energy balance is not respected - the relationship becomes toxic.

If somebody around you uses pressure, or any other manipulative technique such as guilt to force your approval.

• Take a deep breath.

• Observe how your body reacts.

• Observe thoughts that are running through your head.

• Set a confident body language.

• Let this person know that you don't like this form of communication. What would be an assertive way to do it?

• Let the person know that you need look at your calendar first. Or simply say that you don't want to help. What would be an assertive way to do it?

Remember about "I" statements. You let others know what you are thinking, or feeling without being or sounding accusatory. Say "I don't like this idea" instead of "You have stupid ideas".

What are your ways to make yourself more assertive in daily scenarios?

"The Foundation of all friendships is time." ~ Aristotle

Once you will regularly practice getting in conversation with other people, it will become natural for you to make new friends, practically everywhere! But deep friendship or generally every relationship is a slow ripening fruit.

The more time we spend with others, the more we have a chance to know one another. There is some statics about moving from being casual friends towards close friends, but really there are too many factors to use some numbers to define it.

Simply, you need to spend a lot of time with people you want to deepen the relationship with in various different scenarios. That's one of the reasons why busy people find it difficult to build meaningful relationships with people.

Life gets more colourful once we develop close friendships. Simply filling our lives with more happiness.

Sometimes we can not even realize how many love and kind people we have around us. That's why it's worth being aware of some characteristics that make somebody a close friend. Deep inside, I believe that every relationship should be based on those characteristics, the world would be an even more beautiful place.

Characteristics of close friends:

• Encouragement. Your close friends believe in you and really think that you can do things, even if you cannot see it yourself. Giving you a boost, which turns into vigour and confidence.

• "Telepathic". Because you spend a lot of time with your friends, you can find yourself thinking the same things, almost like you are reading each other's minds.

• Honesty. Close friends are always going to give you their real opinion and won't hide their views. Instead of keeping you 'happy' with sweet lies, they will find an emphatic way to tell you the truth.

• Synced sense of humour. Most likely, that both of you will find laughing at the same things.

• Fun. They look forward to meeting you and spend a good time together. Often, but not always you have things in common like interests, places which you love to do together, hobbies.

• Empathic. They love you and want all the best for you. They can profoundly relate on a deep level. They will offer you support when you need it. If it comes to conflicts, good friends always look for solutions to keep their friendship.

• Easy to reconnect. When life makes you be physically far, or you have a lot of commitments, one of the great values is that you will be able to reconnect and have this feeling as you would never be apart.

Characteristics of close friends:

• Forgiving. Everyone makes mistakes, being able to move past them and not hold resentment is a sign of a great friend.

• Non-expectancy. If you really want them to be your friends let them be who they are, accepting their differences from you. Expecting means also waiting for others to reach out to you first for a meeting. It's actually funny as often most people expect others to organize. In many cases, if you will reach out to people first, they will be more welcome to enjoy meeting with you. Take and initiative. Be the organizer, be the leader, invite people. If you don't have much time during some period, let your dear friends know that you are thinking about them, simply text them and ask how things are going.

• Non-judgmental. They will accept and understand your choices, even if they differ from their own. They won't force or bring pressure on you to change something, instead, they will be honest, if they dislike something, but if they see that's something important for you they will support it. They will make you feel confident.

• Trustworthy. You can share with them all your deepest secrets, and you can make sure they are going to stay safe in their mind vault. They won't ever use your private things to hurt you in any way.

• Supportive and loyal. They got your back! When you will need your close friend, they will try to do their best to be there for you. Especially, when times are tough that is what can verify a real friendship. Also, they will be ready to celebrate your successes.

Every healthy relationship should be based on an equal exchange of giving and receiving - reciprocation. That means those characteristics which occur are balanced on both sides. All the opposites of the characteristics serve as relationship killers.

Hugging might seem not worth mentioning, but it is definitely that small part of daily support we need for betterment and growth.

more hugs = more love - more love = more hugs!

Hugging is a very comforting and communicative type of touch. It’s when you wrap your arms around another individual in a gentle manner, light, bear hug, supportive or tight.

We hug others when we’re excited, happy, sad, or trying to comfort them, and it makes us feel good. Also, it turns out that hugging is proven to make us healthier and happier, believe it or not! The best is to experience it :)

Benefits of hugging:

• Help to reduce stress.

• Improve our immune system.

• Promote heart health.

• Make you happier.

• Help to overcome fear.

• Help reduce your pain.

• Serve as a simple way to express positive feelings.

So, now we got to the point, where you have to rethink and squeeze hugging into your daily schedule and use its positive benefits for your health and wellbeing. Because, as you have read, this is a very useful and working way to stress relief and being happier. If you feel nervous about seeking out more hugs, start by asking for them from friends and family members closest to you first.

If you feel not ready, nor comfortable about hugging other people - try hugging a tree. I am completely serious about it! Try it out and immerse into the moment.

So, if you want to feel better about yourself, reduce your stress, improve communication, be happier and healthier, it seems that giving and asking for more hugs is a good place to start.

• Hug yourself every day - really feel it.

• Hug trees - take your shoes off and just hug.

• If nobody is around, go for inanimate objects like pillows of stuffed animals.

• If you are a person that doesn't feel good about hugging others, just start with closes people to you, with only 1 second, and then try to prolong this time. Just relax your body that's very important.

• Instead of a handshake go for a hug - make sure both sides are relaxed and agree on hugging. :)

• Consider joining free-hugs social action.

Remind yourself about the last moment somebody said something nice about you. How does it feel? An honest compliment can make someone's day magical. Filling the soul with pride, happiness, and appreciation. Giving compliments opens others' hearts.

Honestly complementing others also influence you:

• It makes you feel confident and strengthen your self-esteem.

• Serve as a great opener when meeting someone new.

• It enriches existing relationships, so more happiness for both parties.

• It lets you see good in others, making you a more positive individual.

The key to a good complement is to do it genuinely. Look for something you really admire in another person, for example, outfit, new hairstyle, character, way of living, or recent accomplishment.

How to complement:

• Do it from the depth of your heart. Never compliment somebody to manipulate. It might often work completely opposite, especially if a person realizes it.

• It's good to be specific. Instead of saying "you look good", complement something in particular "I like your new red dress, it makes you look so sexy".

• When you give a compliment give 100% of your attention. With a big smile, gaze other person eyes.

• Avoid backhanded compliments. For example, "As I predicted, fat people cook well."

• Praise in public, criticize in private. Golden rule.

• Don't assume that somebody heard what is on your heart already from others. Even if it is so, it's always nice to hear good things about you.

Remember about praise and honest appreciation. Focus on seeing the positive in another person, that truly makes people blossom. Getting all their best within them.

Even when we are surrounded by a wonderful network of people ready to help us out, when we are in need it might be quite challenging for some of us to even reach and ask for the smallest of favours.

For some, it's even difficult to admit that we need help with something, even if the possible consequences are major. It's okay to really be on a network of friends, family, and colleagues to help us in life. There were many stories of people who from billionaires went bankrupt, but thanks to the stronger network they were able to reach the peak one more time.

Small step by step guide:

• Fill yourself with empathy. When you ask for a favour, you are asking for someone else's time, energy, maybe money to put in something you need. Keep that in mind as it's not only about what you want, but it's also about another person.

• The right time and place. Is it an appropriate time and place to ask this person for a favour? That can not only increase chances, but also make sure that the person you ask will be relaxed and feel comfortable. Depending on the situation, it might be good to move to a private location.

• Few words of chitchat and straight to the point. Respect your and your partner's time. You don't want to spend too much time just to get NO for an answer. Tell about your intentions rather sooner than later. It might seem sneaky, if you will delay it for too long. Simply say, "Hey, Franc. I have a favour to ask you." This phrase gives both of you space for an initial response and making you transparent (that you value the other person's time and effort) before asking for the actual favour. Starting with this sentence also suggests that you are open to returning the favour at some point.

• Pick the words mindfully. You want to be polite, direct, and clear about what you are asking about. Explain all the facts and leave no space for guessing. Next, explain what do you need from this person. Make your sentence short and simple, so it will also let you feel less nervous, overthinking things too much, which can lead to leaving the conversation without even having asked. When making sentences include important details like relevant deadlines, reason, and any qualifying pieces of information upfront. Example: "Franc. My wife has a severe headache and the closest pharmacy is 5 kilometres away from our home. I would go to buy painkillers myself, but our car is at the mechanics. Do you think you could help me get those drugs from the pharmacy and drop them off? I need them as soon as possible."

• Provide what's needed. Be there for helper, if needed provide with items, your full attention, and engagement. It can be annoying if you won't be able to focus, or what's worse, not show up where is needed.

• Genuine flattery is one of the openers. Show respect. Make sure to do it with love in your heart. That can help people believe in their skills and abilities, therefore increase chances for their goodwill to help you. "Could you, please, help me with my physics homework? I know you are really good at it! - you got a high mark for the last test!", "You are respected in your field, and people admire you for your work, can I ask you for recommendations? It would mean a lot to me."

• Nobody owns you anything. Expecting payback is not really pure intention when helping others. Even if you have done something for somebody, don't expect payback. Useless from the beginning, it was clearly being said the other way.

• Give a person the opportunity to deny. Using manipulative techniques to force in somebody's guilt so someone will be 'obligated' to do a favour for you, it's not the best long-term relation strategy. The easiest way to understand that is by imaging yourself being asked for something, in which you don't have enough assertive skills to tell the person that you don't want to help. You do something without the inner feel of agreement. How would you feel then? Is that a positive emotion? That's why always give a person the space for a subtle "exit strategy", even if it might be tempting to not do it. "I will understand, if you won't be able to help me now", "Please don't feel obligated, if you cannot do it for me", "If you can't help, I completely understand"

• Learn to accept refusals. Before deciding to ask for a favour keep in mind that there is always the possibility to hear 'no'. Don't get overemotional, if the person can't help you - be thankful for honesty. You can ask them if they know anyone else who can help. Think of some backup plan, an alternate option in case, that helps to keep the mind calm.

• People like to feel appreciated, important, and noticed. That's why generally people like to help. In your hands is to give back the energy, and that doesn't have to always mean favour payback. Simply saying "Thank you so much", or/and buying a small gift is often enough. Remember to thank a person deeply from your heart. Thank them when they agree to help you, when they finished helping you, and the next time you see them after that.

• Spread the love. Helping others while respecting personal time boundaries is a beautiful act that brings a lot of happiness to both sides.

Ending with Benjamin Franklin Effect

“He that has once done you a kindness will be more ready to do you another, than he whom you yourself have obliged."

People have different opinions and that's beautiful. Since you have mastered the art of self-observation, you won't need to get driven by challenging emotions while discussing some sensitive-triggering topics. It doesn't have to go the same for others.

Conflicts often occur when one gets emotional and the other is adding its boiling thoughts and feelings. People usually start talking, moving faster and raising their voices. Body language follows. Love is getting blurred and the mind is covered by dense clouds.

That's why taking a deep breath - stopping for a few seconds, and being conscious of your automatic responses is a key to turn potential conflict into deep and meaningful conversation.

Step by step:

• Realize that it is a potential "difficult conversation".

• Active listening. What other person is saying? What is non-verbal speech? What might feel?

• Often pause. Take a deep breath. Rethink twice what you want to say.

• Speak slowly in a relaxed tone. Maintain it through the conversation.

• Refer to what person is speaking.

Difficult conversations are usually a great opportunity to get to know another person. Be diplomatic, always aim to find common win-win solutions.

Easier said than done? Really, it's a matter of consciousness and inner maturity.

Going to ask your boss for a promotion or raise? Going to talk with your spouse after an argument? Going to admit that you were wrong and made a mistake?

Some of the conversations can bring your heart racing, especially before they happen. Luckily there are ways to deal with these stressful emotions, or at least make you be better prepared for them.

One of the ways is to prepare yourself for confrontation in advance. That will let you deal with it in a healthy manner instead of getting into emotions.

Step by step:

• Write down all your feelings and emotions. What mind programs are causing the way you are thinking and feeling?

• What is the realistic confirmation of what you are thinking or feeling? Rationalize it, and calculate the chances, real possibilities of certain scenarios.

• Remind yourself about past difficult conversations. What did you do right? What did you do wrong? How you are going to do this time?

• Get into a relaxing state of mind. You already know many techniques which will let you get deep into the subconscious, therefore, sharpen your inner vision.

• Imagine yourself actually having a conversation. Deliberately go through the most possible scenarios. What other person "realistically" might say? What will be your response?"

• After this exercise, if you want to prepare yourself even more try practicing dialog in front of the mirror.

That will all prepare you and might take away from you fear of uncertainty. You are well prepared and you did all you could to increase your chances of success.

You can do it! Whatever the result will be, you know that every experience happens to teach you something. You also know the impermanent structure of this world and that nothing is forever. So any pain or pleasure will fade after some time...

Avoiding difficult conversations, many people choose to avoid or postpone the conversation as long as possible. People usually perceive a conversation as difficult when they are faced with telling someone something that person doesn’t want to hear. It might be delivering bad news, or bringing up a conflict of interest. Perhaps you dread telling your children about your cancer diagnosis, or don’t want to hurt your partner by revealing an affair. Whatever the topic, avoiding difficult conversations only makes matters worse long-term. Tension can build and you may end up bringing the issue up at the wrong time, which could create additional conflict. Withholding information can create distance between you and the other person. You also run the risk that the person will receive the information from a third party first.

Another life skill to develop is to know how to deal with arguments in relationships in a healthy way.

During the typical argument, all the love seems to be covered by the dark cloud of ignorance and egoism.

Differences in people create contradictory wants, needs, and ways of doing things. Negative feelings often occur when needs are not being met, or the perspective of others doesn't fit our ideal image reality. Many conflicts are connected to some deep personal lack of certain needs which are not meet. Of course, there are many more causes of conflict in everyday life. If you have an argument with somebody recently, deeply analyze what caused it? Focus on the inner processes which accompanied it.

The best way is to avoid getting into a situation when an argument might raise. It's to deal with things soon enough so there won't be a time for this enormous explosion of emotions. No matter if we win or lose, we still lose. Usually, it brings only a negative aftertaste where core problems are still being unsolved.

It's important to sustain open communication on an everyday basis with the people you surround yourself with. Honesty, openness, and acceptance of other personal differences are only some reflections of love between human beings relationship.

More you love and calm you have within you, less ignorance, there won't be many things which will trigger you. And even if they will arise, thanks to all the emotional intelligence skills you acquired through the course, you will be able to deal with it.

Remember, no matter how hard it gets, you guys are playing in the same team. So think from the perspective of the US rather than YOU and ME. See them as an opportunity for growth, you are able to get to know your folks more.

Sometimes one thing gets out of control, and the best you can do is to have a healthy argument which is a conversation where you are in control of emotions, and you both seek a win-win agreement. Unsolved conflicts can be compared to pushing emotions under the carpet, they will escalate and seriously harm the relationship.

Remember, for an argument are needed more than one person, feeding the conversation with powerful emotional energy. If a person got into an argument with you, the best you can do is to not add your energy into it. That can be done through:

• Being mindful of your voice tone, speed, and volume. One of the simple tricks to not get pulled into an argument is to control the way and what you speak. A calm, slow, quiet voice works great.

• Breath in a deep, slow, regular way, so you are able to become mindful of emotions.

• Create space between you, sometimes, if nothing seems to calm down the fire, it might be best to just give it time. However, if the problem is unsolved it's good to come back to the discussion when energy is more settled down, and both of you are in a better mood. Be mindful to not transform it into "stonewalling" - "end of the conversation I am out"

• If another person is attacking you with dirty lows blows, it's in your hands, if you are going to get offensive and payback, or have wisdom and seek understanding.

• Show respect to other person's opinions - never say "You are wrong". Instead, look deep into what is the core of behaviour.

• Never think that you can read people's minds and emotions. Ask, do not to assume. "What do you feel?", "Why do you feel this way?", "I want to understand your feelings".

• Listen for god's sake. Give space to talk to another person. Let them finish what they want to say. When you feel it's your turn to talk - talk. Paraphrase.

• Be wise and be quick to admit if you are wrong yourself, additionally that's one way to build trust. What is my part in the conflict? Don't say "It's not my fault", "I would never do it," even if that truly understands another person's perspective.

• Offer a person that you want to change the tone of the conversation, and that you care about them, and that relationship is important for you.

• Focus on the feeling of love. Remind yourself of all the good moments in your relationship. There is an interesting method, where you counter a negative thought/emotion/feeling with a positive one.

• Don't over-generalize. "You always/never ...". Is it really true?

• Avoid criticism and contempt. Instead of "You lazy fat ass, you are nothing, you don't bring any money for the family", say “Have you notice that our budget is running pretty low, do you have any ideas how can we improve?”

Constructive criticism is the feedback that provides specific and actionable suggestions. It is very different from providing unclear and subjective opinions. Constructive criticism offers specific and practical instructions on how to make positive improvements, and it's never general, accusatory, or judgmental.

Nobody cares about your judgmental opinions. Don't criticize, condemn, if somebody doesn't ask for it. Often you won't get a positive response and desirable behaviour. Often they become defensive and resent critics. That's human nature, people don't like to admit fault (with some exceptions).

If you are asked, do it to create room for improvement and growth.

If you are a person who is receiving criticism:

• Make sure your reaction is not defensive. For many, it's an automatic response. Embrace it. Matter of mindset.

• If it's a building criticism. Remind yourself about the benefits of constructive feedback.

• Look for understanding of other person's words. There is a chance that you will receive a useful point of view for improvement. Deeper the constructs, listen actively and interpret the message.

• Either you asked for advice or not, it's always good to thank the person for their effort. If you, however heard unfounded criticism, ask a person "Why do you think this way?", "What made you perceive me in this light?". There is a chance that a person doesn't know how to properly communicate and has a low developed emotional intelligence.

When you are able to put yourself in other people's shoes you acquire a deep quality of thinking. That will let you use the right words, statements to focus on mutual growth.

If you are the one who wants to offer constructive criticism. Take a look at the suggestions below.

One of the most known techniques is the sandwich method, which is delivering constructive criticism in between the praise statements. Additionally, instead of straight away being very specific in giving advice, you can be general and ask if a person wants to hear more precise information.

Structure:

Specific praise - specific constructive criticism statement - general praise,

(or) specific praise - open question if a person is open for suggestions - general praise.

• Focus on specific strengths. What you liked about the item.

• Provide constructive criticism and ask if somebody wants to hear more, and possibly you can offer help to work on improvement.

• Summarise positive comments which you gave at the beginning and/or positive results that can be expected, if acted upon the criticism.

Example: "I am amazed at the specificity of your presentation, especially on how well you got in pronunciation of French words. (...) I think you could stress more on the nonverbal body language. (...) If you would like to discuss it with me, I am open to giving you practical suggestions and strategies on how to improve your nonverbal body language. Nonetheless, you are on a path to become one of the best public speakers in my class.

Make sure it's sincere and it's not automatic, as if it is, and person realizes it and will give opposite results.

You can notice that the example above is used a lot of "I" in the sentences, which brings the understanding that the criticism is about situations or behaviour, rather than about them as a person. For example, "You never finish your projects on time" instead of saying "I really need you to do your best and complete your projects within the deadlines. Do you need any assistance or some additional help? Please know that I am here for you. We are a team."

Giving worthy feedback focus on things that really can be improved. I want to emphasize one more time, the whole point of giving is to help the person improve, so don't comment on things that a person cannot do anything about, as that only will make a person feel bad. Example, a friend born with a screechy voice is asking you to critique his public speaking presentation. There won't be any benefit in saying that his voice sounds bad, as that's something out of the person's control.

When a person agrees to constructive criticism, create space for an open discussion. Talk about alternatives on how something can be done, exchange other perspectives on the topics. Ask questions like "What is your opinion on this alternative?", "Do you think it's a good, or a bad idea, why?". The key is to keep an open mind and focus on the exchange of ideas.

If you have suggestions, be precise on what and how it can be improved (take into account that people have different definitions for the same word). Take your time and make sure the suggestion is specific, and everything is clear. Give examples, so the person can have an easier job to comprehend everything.

You also don't have to give answers straight away, and rather use directed open questions which can lead the person to some conclusions.

When the conversation is over, make sure that everything is understandable, ask "Is everything understandable for you?", "Is there something that you would like to re-discuss?", "I really want to help you, so you can feel more confident about your job, please tell me, if there is something that we need to re-discuss?". Never make assumptions, always ask.

In many cases, you want to talk about mistakes with people discreetly. No one likes to listen to things in front of others. They will appreciate us for our discreet approach, and are more likely to improve. Right timing is also important, you don't want to wait too long.

Make sure it's not personal (detach the situation from the person), including judgment, but it's focused on solving problems, improving, and the situation. Otherwise it's just better to keep things for yourself.

Can you give an example of 'bad' and 'good' criticism?

You already know the question, "How can I make it better?", "What can I improve?", and if you've got a habit of using it, you should already improve a lot!

Sometimes, it can be useful to ask others for their point of view, so we are able to gain a new, wider perspective on things the feedback is about. It's especially vital if it comes to client-business communication, so you can adjust towards their needs which will lead to improving your product.

It's especially useful if you are surrounded by people who also are on the same boat, working to improve themselves - to ask for feedback. "Is there anything you think I could do better?", "Is there anything you don't like in me, and why?"

When asking for feedback, it's important to remember:

• Make sure to be clear, that you want a honest feedback. Sometimes people are too nice to simply say the truth. Explain your motives - why it is important for you. If you are a manager asking for feedback make sure people won't feel judged for their opinions, if not what's the point of this approach?

• Ask people frequently. When you ask about the feedback, make sure to implement things that you think are important. Let them run for some time. Consider asking again. That will show your previous people that you care about their opinions and it will open a dialogue with new ones.

• Don't judge. It won't be wise to ask for feedback and judge people for it. Be thankful, no matter if it's positive or negative. Listen carefully with an open mind.

• Collect as much data as possible. Asking one or two people might not give enough to count it as reliable information. Consider asking people who don't really admire you. Make sure to ask the right group of people.

• Prepare yourself. You can prepare some questions which you need to ask in order to achieve your goal. Look for open-ended questions. That leads to conversation.

• Why do people think this way? Other people are not the oracle that knows everything. It's good to ask "What makes you think this way?" to get to know the motives of feedback. It's up to you, if you are going to do something with information or not.

• Ask for suggestions/advice. You can also ask for suggestions. "How do you think it could be done?", "Do you have any ideas to make it better?", "How can I do it better?", "What do I need to change in order to XYZ?"

Asking for constructive feedback is a great route to accelerate the improvement of anything: product, workflow, and yourself. It's a great way to build closer relationships as you can also ask your partner, friend for some feedback. Make sure to have the right mindset, so you won't feel lower energy after unexpected feedback.

You can also consider asking one another for feedback with your accountability partner. If you have been closely working together, it will be easy to spot what potentially can be done better and offer a help with it.