#80 - Relationships Part 2

Active listening is a key to building an understanding of other wants, dislikes, desires, and goals. A significant part of maintaining a healthy relationship. You can even take notes to know what your beloved one enjoys. That will be very helpful in nourishing your relationship. Funny enough to become a good conversationalist you have to become a good listener.

Being interested in other people will make you a lot more friends than making others become interested in you. The same goes to make a meaningful lasting friendships, to be genuinely interested in another person.

When you decide to engage in some conversation - give others full attention. Many discussions happen on the occasion while engaging in other activities.

"According to classic psychology, it is assumed that there is no such thing as split attention, even though people often claim they have it. Psychologists talk about the shifting of attention, that is, about quickly switching between activities."

According to the statement above, you cannot fully engage in other conversations while doing other activities. For some, it might be disrespectful, and most likely it's not possible to fully comprehend what others are saying. Isn't it a waste of time to spend time with another person and not remember what the conversation was about?

There are some steps which you can take:

• Engage fully in each conversation without any external distractions. Give the person 100% focus and attention.

• 80/20 think about Pareto. Listen 80% of the time.

• Encourage others to talk about themselves.

• An eye contact, about 60% of the time creates focus and informs your interlocutor that you pay attention.

• Listen! Especially, if someone close to you needs to be heard. Don't interrupt nor give advice. I know it might be challenging, especially for many, as it's natural to look for solutions due to our logic thinking nature. Sometimes people just need to be listened to. Listen carefully, instead of asking open-ended questions which may lead to conclusions (but not necessary). If somebody asks you for advice, feel free to give your opinion, however, don't fixate on being a psychotherapist - be a friend. That is offering emotional support.

• Be empathic. Feel another person. Share with them their emotions.

• When listening, nod and make encouraging sounds and gestures.

• Don't assume that you know the message before the person finishes. It's especially bad if you interrupt the speaker in mid-sentence. Remain openly curious and listening intently for the message, rather than predicting what will be said. Even if you've heard it, listen one more time.

• Paraphrase to summarise, reflect and clarify back to the other person what you think they have said. This gives an opportunity for any misunderstandings to be rectified quickly. "So you are saying...", "Let me get it right, I understand that...", "I hear you saying...". Very helpful.

• Don't plan what you're going to say next. The conversation should be organic. Sometimes there's nothing to say, it's also okay. Just show that you were listening and that's okay if you have nothing to add, but the fact is of listening.

• Talk about things that refer back to what the other person has said. Find links between common experiences.

Important to remember: If you don't want to engage fully in conversation, get out of it, don't be just half in it.

Remember:

• Enter every conversation assuming that you have something to learn;

• Pay attention to another person, body language, articulation, tone of voice;

• Ask more open questions;

• Be present when being engaged in conversation;

• Go with the flow, don't think about the answer to the person. If you let the conversation flow, everything will come up spontaneously.

If you want to make somebody feel recognized, valued, and important - remember and speak their name. That also makes most of the people obligated to memorize yours, which can be crucial, especially in business situations. When you call people by their names they will pay greater attention to what you are about to discuss.

Some people are using excuse saying that they are "terrible in remembering other people's names". You already have the right mindset to look for solutions and to improve every small everyday ritual better, so excuses are not for you.

Techniques that can help you memorize people names:

• Focus. One of the most important factors if you want to remember - is to focus, and understand why it's crucial for you to memorize. Usually, there is so much going on, so much new information to proceed that we just simply don't put enough attention and effort to want to remember. Most of us are more concerned to introduce their name, rather than focus on other people. So if you want to get better, consciously decide to care and let your focus follow it.

• Association. Scan a person's face discreetly when you are introduced. Look for unusual features. Create an association between that characteristic and the name in your mind. Does a person look like somebody you already know like an actor, or a friend? Or, maybe, by any chance the name is the same as your brother's? You can connect other things you know about them with their name to create some funny image or story in your head, more ridiculous - better.

• Repetition. Simple, the more you will find yourself repeating a person's name in different scenarios, the more chance it gives you so that will stick in your mind. When introduced, ask the person to repeat their name. "Hello, Steph, nice to meet you" Repeat it out loud and in your mind. Use the name as often as possible, plug it into what you are saying. "How long have you been working here, Steph"? You can write it down. When you are saying goodbye, use the name last time while being fully aware of their presence.

• Spell it out. If somebody's name is unusual for you, ask them to spell it. That will help you remember when you will put extra attention to it.

• Business cards exchange. When you will receive a business card, examine it carefully. Put extra attention to the person's name. It works similarly while asking for "becoming friends" on Facebook. Usually more details you will get about the person it will be easier to connect more facts that create associations.

It's also okay (in most of the social cases) to just ask for the person's name, often people understand that it might be difficult to right away remember it. I mean what other options do you have?

The best presentations, successful sales, and generally interesting conversations include engaging stories, especially those which listeners can relate to and are full of emotional charge to - are the winners.

If you never practiced telling stories it might be an uneasy task to do so. It's worth practicing as it's one of the ways for conveying thoughts and feelings, while simultaneously keeping listeners focused.

Tips on how to tell a good story:

• Imagine that you are an actor. What do actors do? They become one with the story, engaging fully with it as if they would be actually there. Engage your body language fully, play with your voice, feel into emotions yourself. Simply play with it! Think about your story like a scene from an action movie.

• Start with getting their attention. Before you will tell a story, usually energy in the room is chaotic, everyone busy with inner conversations. Your task is to get their focus on you... Look for some catchy first sentence. "I will tell you story about how I meet my wife" - wrong, "That was an unbelievable experience, frankly speaking, one of the weirdest moments in my entire life, that's the story of how I meet my beloved cutie pie - my wife" - a bit more compelling.

• Pay more attention to how you tell the story, rather than what you are saying. You can use the most matched words, but without emotional charge, it will be just boring mumble - babble. People have to feel that they are inside the story!

• Interact with all the senses. Use vivid and stimulating descriptions. "I got into the room and it smelled like dirty socks mixed with old fish odour", "It tasted like sweet tooth having a party in a heaven", "My knees were trembling, heart racing strong, so I was actually able to hear it (pause), I wasn't able to take a breath (pause) only metallic taste in my mouth";

• When being on stage tell the story so people can participate, and so they can engage their imagination. "What do you think she has done?", "What do you think happened next?", "I have met Elon Musk in a convenient store, guess what he told me...? -> (joke) No way! He said..."

• Take your audience on an emotional rollercoaster. Moving them through sadness, fear, hope, happiness, and then compassion. That's the way to keep them focused.

• Learn to incorporate some jokes. Small digressions, the small joke is perfect to release some tension (also yours while being in the spotlight). Find your style and have fun.

• Simple words. If you public is not made of people who share the same scientific definitions, don't play smart, if people don't understand - they lose interest.

• Keep people in some tension. You don't want to start from the end of the story as it spoiled the plot. Leaving people without this feeling of anticipation.

• Find what is the perfect length of the story. Depending on people and circumstances, sometimes longer, other times shorter stories are right. Generally, keep in mind that the average attention span is short. Stick to emotions and essential scenes. Matter of practice and you will follow the perfect timing.

• What story did you find the most thrilling? Pick up 3 stories that really took you on a journey. Analyze them and find out what are the elements of a good story in the examples.

I know it might be challenging for some, but if you really care to learn telling engaging stories - the best way is to get hired in some company as a salesman. You will have a space to tell different stories (can be even imaginary) and get paid for it. After hundreds of conversations, you will surely become great at telling engaging stories.

Finding a local public speakers group or stand-up comedy is also a great choice to engage in practice.

Remember, if people won't like the story, that's not the end of the world. Everybody has a different sensitivity, sense of humour and understanding, so I doubt that there is some holy grail story that will touch every living person on the entire earth.

PS. If somebody asks you a question about something from your life. Maybe, consider telling a story instead of giving the straightaway simple answer. That will bring new value to your conversations.

The core of each question is curiosity. Probably, most important sentence when it comes to this topic. When you are curious about something, naturally right questions will come to your mind. And the whole process will end up with getting new information, which is an essential part of learning.

Curiosity is the desire to know the unknown, and without it asking questions might feel like an interrogation on not having a genuine reason for questioning.

What can kill curiosity? Being afraid. No matter what form this fear will take, if that's stopping you from exploring the unknown, that's something that stops curiosity from flowing naturally. "Observe yourself if actually, you are not asking questions because there is some spectrum of the fear present? What is it?"

Accepting something as true without being certain without proof. That's another thing that stops you from asking. Even the most obvious questions might be the right one at the given time, and you might be surprised that answers are far from the imaginary truth. Don't make assumptions.

Open-ended (divergent) and closed questions (convergent).

To ask the right questions in the right scenarios, it's important to understand the difference between those two. Closed questions require short and often simple answers such as "yes" or "no". Open-ended questions require broad answers, they let people describe things, opens them up.

Closed questions:

P1: "How old are you?" P2: I am twenty-five years old.

P1: "What is your name?" P2: Sam

P1: "What grade did you get?" P2: A+

P1: "Do you think that earth is flat? P2: Yes

Open-ended questions:

P1: "Tell me about climate change?"

P1: "What was it like when you jumped from the parachute?"

P1: "What do you think about the main character of this movie?"

P1: "How would you react if you were the last person on the earth?"

An effective conversation will have both of those questions, so you don't have to fixate yourself to use only open-ended ones. Simply see the difference and use them consciously according to situational context. Usage of questions depends on the answers you need.

Keep in mind what is a balance between asking and answering in certain relationships.

"Are you the one 'always' asking, or one 'always' answering?" If a balance is visible on one side or another, make a difference.

From the perspective of innovators - people who brought visible changes in the world. They have one thing in common, they were able to ask deep enough questions, or use questions to constantly deepen the search (finding new things to ask for) until they were able to discover something. They were deep thinking, digging in one place until they found the running water source.

PS. If you want to grow fast, pick up the topic which you found interesting for you, find a specialist in that topic (or simply somebody more knowledgable than you), set a coffee meeting, and ASK. Simple.

Conversational threading is a technique to keep your conversation going naturally.

It's worth understanding the structure of the conversation which many of you do spontaneously. Deepen your small talk through the regular practice of conversation threading. You will find your own style connected to your own personality and whom you are conversing with.

Conversation threading can be used as a follow-up to details mentioned in a conversation, explore topics more, share your own experiences, and helps to discover common ground.

How to do it:

• Start with a simple question that allows the momentum of conversation to build. For example. "Where do you work?"

• Wait and listen to what and how a person responds. Look for clues, which you can spread the thread. For example. "I work in the kindergarten."

• Follow up with an open-ended question about the clue you've just heard. That allows deepening into the topic. For example, "Wow, that must be interesting to support the education of future generations. Tell me, do you have any favourite kid over there?", or simply "What is it like working in kindergarten?"

• Again wait, and listen for the response. Listen for clues that will help you to deepen the conversation. For example, "I would say it's more demanding, than interesting. But yes there is a small one which is especially lovely."

• Follow up with another open-ended question. For example, "Tell me more about this sweet one. What makes them so lovely?"

You can repeat the circle really endlessly, deepening the topics and shifting to different ones as the conversation flows naturally. The key is to be interested in another person, then you simply follow what seems to be interesting for you. If you will discover what are the other person's interests - stick to it. If we will talk to people about what they are interested in, they will feel valued.

How does the conversation look without conversation threading:

• (P1) "Where do you work?"

• (P2) "In the kindergarten."

• (P1) "Cool." or "That's nice"

• *silience

• (P2) "What about you, where do you work?"

• (P1) "I work in the post office"

• (P2) "Hmm..."

• *'awkward silence' both (P1) and (P2) are looking for an exit strategy.

Sometimes you might encounter a person with a negative attitude, filled with negative emotions, or simply in bad mood. If you don't want them to feel bad, by judging or simply you don't want to follow given threads - cut the threads.

You want to steer away from dark clouds and focus on introducing new fresh positive emotions, replacing focus from low frequencies towards higher ones.

This approach, especially during the first contact will subconsciously associate your person with positive feelings.

If you have a deeper relationship such as good friends, family members, or a romantic partner, you might like to use a different strategy, really matter of choice.

For example.

• (P1)"Where do you work?"

• (P2)"I work in the kindergarten and I hate this job, low salaries and those kids are driving me insane!"

• (P1)"What would be your dream job instead?"

• (P2)(1) "I never thought about it" (2) "I really enjoy sewing. I hope it will pay off someday."

• (P1)(1) "Hmm, as many of us :). Is there something you enjoy doing after work?" or (2) "That's so unique, not so many people sew nowadays. What do you like sewing the most? Do you have some pictures?"

Cutting the threads can be also used when the topic will run out of steam. Simply focus on asking unrelated with the previous topic questions, small talk to find new threads.

Practice skill called 'active and constructive responding' which is about giving authentic and enthusiastic responses when people share things important to them.

This way you are able to nurture relationships especially important in long-term relationships.

Your beloved one is coming back home with a big smile and you can sense excitement - "Great news! I got the promotion!

There are few ways in which you can possibly respond:

• Passive - destructive. "Did you do laundry?" Completely lack of interest, a person asks no related question, ignores completely. If you recognize this response in your relationship, it might be a sign that there is some challenge.

• Active - destructive. "I don't like it... so you are going to have less time for the family?" Respond with negative emotion. Realize that this is not a good time to express your concern, no matter how valid it is. Share happiness with the person, and there will be time for a discussion.

• Passive - constructive. "That's nice! Well done!". Most of the people would respond in that way.

• Active - constructive. "Wow, that's amazing! I am so proud of you! I knew that you will make it! Tell me how it was? What did you feel when the boss told you? Tell me everything!". Healthy desirable response. Full of positive emotions. Emotional closeness, smiling, hugging. That's a moment to give some time and attention to the person, naturally, you should be interested and ask open questions.

Learn to respond in an active - constructive way. That will bring so much love and happiness to the other person, and that will also reflect it towards your relationship.

So simple, and so profound.

Relax! You might not be the only one who feels awkward with silence between the sentences and different topics. Learn that it is a natural part of each conversation. Since you meditate regularly, you already found out how silence is powerful.

Purpose of silence in conversations:

• It's a great time to simply relax, release tension, take a deep breath, make yourself comfortable.

• When you know somebody well, actually embracing together in silence and simply enjoying the company strengthens the relationship. Let's say you are visiting your family, and there is nothing to be said, but you simply are present there for them - that's not a wasted time at all.

• It can be a sign that both of you feel comfortable with each other.

• It gives a space to rethink, invite answers, reflect on other personal statements, therefore, deepen the conversation.

• When you are comfortable with silence. It helps to not interrupt people in the middle of their speech, as you don't feel anxious about conversion.

• It brings people focus and awareness. Causing alertness. Great to highlight something, and increase its impact.

• That can be also a sign that somebody is not in the mood for a vivid conversation, or simply a sign to say goodbye.

Get comfortable with silence:

• Understand the purpose of silence in conversations.

• Non-verbally signalise that you are fine with silence. Relaxed body language creates a relaxed atmosphere and confidence that you feel comfortable during 'no words' moments.

• Speak in a slow and calm manner, especially after a moment of silence. Avoid rushing to fill the empty gap.

• Accept the fact that silence is not a failure, but opposite it's normal part of the conversation.

• Understand that when talking with people who enjoy the silence and are aware of it, constant babbling will make your interlocutor tired and show you as an anxious person.

• The practical way is to purposely pause between the sentences and enjoy them. When you will feel uncomfortable observe what are the underlying insecurities. Use this time to reflect, relax, and rethink.

During small talk, there is less silence than during personal, meaningful conversations. It also can be found that the perspective of the different cultures about silence varies, some see it as an 'awkward pause' some see the valuable moment of reflection, and as a sign of respect to what the last speaker said. Cultural norms also include the different average times of silence acceptance.

Using silence on purpose is a powerful tool. If you are a salesman, negotiator, the public speaker you might be interested to find out more about it.

Some people seem to be naturally funny, and always effortlessly cause others pain in the stomach. Will it be surprising, if I told you that it is a skill and can be developed? Probably not, since this is a practical course for practical development.

Laughter is powerful! It's an especially excellent connection with high self-esteem. Happy and fun people often have a better life, usually surrounded by a lot of positive people. Humour makes unpleasant situations a little more bearable. You can increase your chances for a successful presentation, promotion in a job, connect with someone new, and much more! What are other benefits in your opinion?

How to develop a sense of humour:

• Discover a funny person within you. What makes me laugh? Scan all those moments in your life, find out what brought this unconscious moment of release.

• Do research. You can search for "types of humour" on Google. That will help you understand which type of humour touches you and fits your personality the most.

• Surround yourself with people who often bring smiles and laughter. You probably, heard the sentence "Laughter is contagious", let yourself loosen up open for it.

• Learn to laugh at yourself. That's connected to high confidence and will release some seriousness from your butt area. Share embarrassing stories about yourself. Evaluate the level of taste if your person can swallow it. Even if not, that would be another funny story to tell.

• Timing. There are moments where you will feel - these are perfect moments. Humour is about surprise, and hopefully, you are emphatic enough to not joke about the funeral.

• When you find something funny, share it with friends. Observe their reactions and that can serve as feedback to improve.

• Notice that a sense of humour evolves, and changes within the person. Something that was funny 10 years ago doesn't have to touch your funny bone anymore.

• Consider joining a local comedian stand-up club. Or at least go and watch a live comedy show, and fill into the moment. Take your accountability partner :)

• Play with your intonation and body language. Take a theatre class.

• Shift to look for humour in everyday life. Set some fixed number - a goal, to look for absurds every day. Research comedic styles, and believe me, there are plenty!

• Understand that professional comedians work hard and often spend years developing their unique style. Determination is the key. Think in a manner of personality change, rather than learning some funny jokes by heart.

• Admire and make notes on masters of entertainment. Find stage comedians, actors and make notes to study what makes it funny. You can find one particular most funny scene, and watch it over and over again - until you won't find it funny anymore. Afterwards, when you are deprived of emotional response and your brain is feed with new information, you should be able to see how it's done.

• Understand and accept that you won't amuse everybody. It's like with music genres, some people like Jazz some don't. Matter of taste. There will be some people who are too stiff to laugh, there will be others who just don't appreciate your joke and others who simply doesn't click. Should you stop being yourself and shut yourself under the bed? Follow the rule: if I think it's funny then there is somebody else on this planet who also thinks is funny.

• Understand that you don't have to be the funny guy all the time. Embracing silence is okay, and no need to feel pushed to amuse others.

• Most important of all - be simply authentic - be yourself and flow. I notice that when we are naturally vibrating high, some sense of humour follows it.

PS. Hope you have visited Laughter Yoga Classes :) - that helps to see the funny side in almost everything and will train your natural laugh :D