#79 - Relationships Part 1

Empathy is the ability to recognize, understand, share the thoughts and feelings of another being. Empathy is a beautiful capacity that is crucial for building meaningful relationships, and it's a base for compassion therefore unselfish, prosocial behaviour.

Empathy unlocks the ability to really dive into another person, so we are able to understand others' points of view, which expands our own perspective. That's crucial for our own development.

With developed empathy, it would be much easier to follow “What you do not want to be done to you, do not do to others.” Contemplate it and implement it into your daily life. That will help you make more moral decisions which will bring more love to the world.

Most people are likely to feel greater empathy for people like themselves, which means less empathy for those outside their ethnicity, race, community, or family. It's good to be aware of this inner process happening and not let it take control.

Signs of low empathy:

• They don't listen to what others have to say, as they always have to be "right", even if a person provides proof that they are wrong;

• They are not able to understand other people's feelings, and get annoyed if others expect them to know what they are feeling "You are being oversensitive!";

• They are highly critical towards others, as they don't know how or even don't try to understand where those 'flaws' are coming from, and that we all have something to work on.

• They are not able to appropriately adjust the behaviour according to events which include sensitive emotions, for example, making jokes in inappropriate times;

• They blame others for their own problems, as they don't understand their own emotions, feelings, and thoughts;

• They cannot be happy and supportive of other people's success and even feel envious about it;

• They are not able to control their emotions, and don't know how to discharge in a safe, healthy way, so they might experience sudden emotional outbursts;

• They are not able to let go and they seem to carry resentment;

• They have problems interpreting non-verbal communication and act appropriately, or even if they do they can often ignore it;

• They struggle with close relationships, as it requires mutual understanding, sharing emotions, and support.

• They find difficult to work in a team.

It's important to understand that it isn't 1:1 and people vary in different levels of empathy, including being more sensitive in some situations and less in others.

Empathy can increase our life satisfaction and overall wellbeing, simply making us better people. That's another reason why it's worth working to increase empathy.

How to practice empathy:

• Spend time with people other than yourself. Expand your thinking horizons. Be curious about their lives, lifestyles, beliefs. Observe yourself if there are any judgment or prejudice processes happening. Embrace it.

• Being mindful of your inner biases and wish to expand your own world views.

• Meditation. After regular sessions, you can feel a sense of unity with everything, and a calmer mind.

• Engage in one cause. Volunteer with different people, more mixed community - better.

• Try to understand other people's behavior. Even if you think that someone did something unforgivable, or simply wrong. What made him act in this way? What is the core (cause) of it? Focus on another person's perspective, and see things from their point of view.

• Feel into another person. Mentally dive into another person, simultaneously observing sensations - scanning on your own body. You will be able to feel another person. It's possible to not only feel emotions but also quite accurately diagnose another person's health. You can practice it first with beloved ones.

• Never force anybody to change. That's difficult to admit, but if a program is strong and took control over the system it will be tough to unlock the ability to admit that they might be wrong, and best if they ask for help. That's the first step, the next one is to consciously be willing to put in effort for change.

You can recognize different types (constructs) of empathy such as cognitive empathy, emotional (or affective) empathy, somatic, spiritual empathy or even self-empathy. It's generally all about the same - opening your heart and inviting understanding and compassion towards other beings and yourself.

There is a lot more to learn about empathy, however, as always, I would like to encourage you to focus mostly on practice and on discovering all the processes that happen within you.

We are all born naked. We are all humans. During our lives, we are programmed to react automatically towards other 'labels' glued to people.

That affects our lives with different disturbances.

What is your automatic reaction/feeling within when you come across:

• Homeless approaching you to ask for some change.

• When the president of your country invites you to dinner.

• Your husband/wife/best friend ends up in hospital.

• The police officer suspects you for the crime.

• Your boss, for an unknown reason, is calling you to his office.

Find yourself in other situations.

When you focus within and imagine you encounter those situations, observe your feelings and thinking patterns - ask yourself why do I experience it? When you will repeat this process long enough it will radiate into everyday experience.

You can still love and engage in relations, but you don't have to take with you all these negative aspects of labeling somebody my father, my best friend, my husband. You see everything as a part of a cosmic flow of life, everything a part of a bigger picture, everything having its own part in the spectacle in this omnipresent theatre.

It makes life so much easier when you are able to perceive beyond titles, occupation, races, social positions. It releases unnecessary emotional charges and leaves your mind free of judgment, stereotyping, false assumptions, stress, and most importantly, takes away suffering in case of death or split up.

Even when we may be using the same words, it doesn't indicate that we will attach the same meanings to them - experiencing different reactions. It goes the same for different interpretations of situations and different definitions of the same constructs. That's a base for many potential conflicts (which you can potentially avoid).

Don't assume that you always fully understand what others are saying. Having consciousness about this interesting nature of language will unlock an additional layer of perception, as you will be constantly aware of what actually other person wants to tell.

It goes the same for feedback, you don't have to immediately react to another based on some assumption of what was just said, but rather focus to fully comprehend it.

Paraphrase the message back to the speaker and ask clarifying questions to ensure we got the message correctly.

Be especially mindful when using a technological form of communication as it's often difficult to evaluate without nonverbal cues. The same goes for cross-cultural communication- norms, meanings might be very different.

Despite having a similar background, culture, story, and even experiences, it's best to assume that there is always some degree of misinterpretation (while simultaneously using the same words), and that can make you be especially aware during interpersonal contacts.

It gives some beauty to discovering another person's perspective as it carries the feeling of infinite possibilities.

In the process of interpersonal communication between 70-93% is nonverbal (statistics vary from research to research). It's often done instinctively rather than consciously, but many (not all) signals can be intentional (controlled), through practice and high body awareness. During the interaction with others, there is a continuous flow of wordless signals which if 'eye' is trained can be spotted.

Nonverbal communication includes:

• Facial expressions. Responsible for a huge portion of nonverbal communication in everyday life. It's pretty much universal for most of the cultures throughout the world. Read about micro expressions and emotions which appear on the face.

• Eye contact. It has an important role in non verbals. Feel beyond the look, pupils dilatation, and contraction, rate of blinking, steadiness, or shortage of eye contact.

• Head movements. Probably, the easiest nonverbal cues to understand. Certain head movements are specific to cultures, be aware of this.

• Movement. Fidgeting such as biting nails, shaking knee, playing with your hands or pen. It is an external release for whatever you feel within. It also includes walking speed, and if sitting or standing in certain situations.

• Vocal communication. Pitch, volume, speaking style, speed, tone, inflection. When observing vocal tone look for changes, pay attention to what is being said versus nonverbal vocal cues, you will be able to reveal true feelings.

• Gestures. Especially worth mastering during public presentations as they punctuate spoken word. It's a way to communicate meaning without words. Keep in mind that gestures can vary from culture to culture and have even completely opposite meanings. They can also offer clues to an emotional state, for example trembling hands.

• Body posture. The way how someone situates their body. Probably the most popular and over interpreted part of nonverbal communication.

• Communication through touch (haptics). Most common is used to communicate support or comfort, but also can be used to convey negative emotions.

• Physical distance. That's also an easy-to-spot nonverbal signal. "Personal space" be mindful about this one, especially when you are communicating with somebody you just meet. For some people, it might be very intimidating if you won't keep a comfortable distance. It can be influenced by social and cultural norms, personality, level of familiarity, situation.

• Appearance. Often considered as a part of nonverbal communication.

It's good to know some basics, so it will add another puzzle if it comes to mastering communication skills. You will be able to become more aware of other feelings to appropriately be able to react and adjust.

Most likely I could dedicate a whole week to cover nonverbal communication due to its complexity. I decided not to include examples on how to read body language as there are too many nuances, and deep explanation would be required in order to provide accurate information.

If you really want to dive into the topic:

• Purchase few books and memorize nonverbal signals.

• When you read books or attend courses, practice muscle memory and mimic communication, that's a good way to remember and improve awareness.

• Practice it in a field. You can sit somewhere aside with your fellows and try to decode what others want to communicate.

• Pay close attention to the ways you use your body language over the working week. Notice what can be improved.

I would suggest focusing on one or two types of nonverbal communication at the time, as this is a vast topic and too much information might slow down the process of learning. That will give you a base on spontaneous reactions.

Look for clusters (more than one confirming signal) of nonverbal clues confirming potential guesses. Keep in mind the context, which includes place, people, and culture as it can bring essential differences in interpretation.

While studying, be aware of some easy-to-find nonverbal examples online as you can come across many myths which are far from true.

If you want to spot a lie. Look for contradictory signals between what is being said and the way the body responds. That's however requires vast knowledge and practice.

The reason why I mention nonverbal communication is to direct your attention towards often 'hidden' (for most), information, and to inspire you for a deeper search.

According to the dictionary at cambridge.org influence means "to affect or change how someone or something develops, behaves, or thinks". It's different from manipulation which means "controlling someone or something to your own advantage, often unfairly or dishonestly".

It's about positive and negative connotations, or to help us understand this easier, it is connected to intention beyond.

Questions like; "What is the core of ...", "What energy is speaking beyond the words?", "Is it something that brings more love to my and other people's lives, or the opposite?" helps to discover if our energy would bring positive or negative impact.

When we engage with another person we constantly exchange energy. Even without opening your mouth! We all influence others in some way. It's a process that cannot be stopped. People with naturally strong energy have more unconscious power of influence on others.

We need to be mindful to not force any of our beliefs, and it doesn't matter how strong they are - how to 'enlighten', 'god-like', 'full of love' they are. We should base our positive influence on first understanding where people come from, open our minds, really listen and then on telling the truth and sharing views. It should be based on an open conversation, not a one-sided and abusive manipulation.

Everybody has their own views and thoughts and pushing both knowingly and unknowingly, we shouldn't insist on our beliefs.

We should also consider and always give people a conscious choice. Applying low vibrating manipulative techniques isn't a great way to create strong - long-lasting relationships.

Always leave space for free-thinking to make sure that they agree and accept, or if they have some objections, therefore if they are open for open discussion.

This topic is a bit like walking on thin ice. The border between positive influence and and negative manipulation is really thin. Can be generalized such as influence - is acting with other person's best interest (win-win), but manipulation acting only in best interest of yourself, excluding another person from it. (win-lose)

There are many questions arising from this topic. I encourage you to contemplate and make more conscious choices.

"I woke up with a feeling in my stomach of something weird and unexpected. I couldn't figure out why was it the food I ate for dinner last night, or if it was because of the darkness outside. When I peeked out the window it was surely a cloudy day, so I thought that rain would fall tonight. I've just sat to take a sip of aromatic arabica coffee when I heard a thump at the door. Is it real? I doubted my sanity in silence, but another louder thumping interrupted my thought abruptly. I jumped a little before heading to open the door. I took a quick deep breath before opening my heavy wooden door, and saw him standing and shaking. It was my neighbour, a lad whom I went to school with. "Can you let me in, please?" His appearance got me dumbfounded, and before I got the chance to speak, he said "please, help me." entering my house. I stood there a little longer before following him to the attic. "What is going on, Carl?" I questioned, watching him climb the narrow stairs up the attic door. "Please don't give out. I need your help" is all he whispered before disappearing into the attic closing the small door behind him. I stood downstairs just looking back at the attic door when I heard stomping on my door. I quickly went back to a few gendarmes sneaking around my living room. I got annoyed since it was still my priority and I haven't done anything wrong yet, I thought. I fake coughed to get their attention and immediately felt their eyes on me. My confidence started to regress into worry. Three uniformed men grouped and stared at me, almost intimidatingly, I got a little scared. However, I was certain of my civilian rights and that they have no authority in my house. "Good day," I said reluctantly at first, then continued with more dignity, after clearing my throat, "Can I serve you somehow?" Gendarmes stood quietly still staring me down, but the one in the middle, who apparently had the right to speak, being the highest of rank asked me "Have you seen Carl?" and his surname. My lips felt glued to each other when I heard the question, so I didn't reply. He took confident but careful steps toward me before asking, "Sir? Have you seen Carl Junior? Is he here?" he stressed 'you' this time and eyeballed my face."

You are a truthful and honest person.

• What should be your response to gendarmes?

• Should you lie?

• Should you tell the truth?

• What are the other options?

PS. There are other options :)

This story shows that sometimes decisions aren't so straightforward and simple.

To answer that question we should consider what will cause least, or non-harm. We should put compassion and love first.

"Truly, to tell lies is not honourable; but when the truth entails tremendous ruin, to speak dishonourably is pardonable.” ~ The Greek Philosopher, Sophocles.

It can be quite challenging since we all perceive through a conditioned mind based on past experiences which shaped our way of thinking. That suggests as we all see events in different ways. Funny as something we call truth now might not be the same tomorrow. Tricky, right? We can stay open to the truth in the present moment.

We all have (or at least, I believe in it) this inner voice, which causes some discomfort within if we are being dishonest in a harmful way. Follow this voice, feeling, and find the truth within and trust yourself.

Sometimes to remain silent is better than to speak harsh and harmful truth, or a sweet lie.

When seeing somebody for the first time our brain almost instantly catches new information and puts it into specially labeled boxes. Those boxes are all the characteristics in which a person will be automatically perceived.

Once established, it is not easy to change (long-lasting in nature). Even if the initial judgment is being updated, the first bias stays deep in the unconscious.

It is fact that more attractive, tall, well-dressed people will on average get less harsh sentence in court, get a better chance to receive higher salaries, will be perceived as socially skilled, easygoing, trustworthy, competent, etc.

When you meet a new person, all of their features; body language, appearance, clothing, physical attractiveness, height, smell, behaviour - everything matters.

I will be straightforward. If your face doesn't fit what 'attractive' means, there is still a lot of things that can be improved in order to get this first impression nailed.

Why to even bother?

Even when the first impression doesn't really provide accurate information, as is in most of the cases based on bias. It's good to understand that those automatic responses aren't going to diminish any time soon. They affect interpersonal interactions in a significant way.

Why not get all of those benefits from consciously making a good first impression?

What can be taken care of:

Imagine yourself as a person who always makes a good first impression.

• What character characteristics do you possess?

• What are you wearing?

• What is your appearance?

• How do you behave?

• What is your body language?

Even if there are some fixed instructions that are found that work best, we don't want to kill our individual, unique nature. We aim to be the best version of ourselves. There are some things to put attention to and work to improve, but we don't want to become "a copy-paste" clone.

Putting yourself in a mind of your guests is also a good way to think in terms of what can be improved in order to nail the first impression.

Things to pay attention to:

• Be on time. You don't want to create a bad first impression even before the actual first contact! It's usually good to be a couple of minutes early, nobody will care about your "good excuses" for running late.

• Body language and facial expressions. It's number one on the list if it comes to importance. Being able to express your emotions nonverbally helps a lot if it comes to a good first impression. When you feel joyful and happy your body language should express it naturally and that is what can greatly positively influence others' perceptions. Add to this - smile and eye contact ;) That's one of the important ones.

• Relaxed. It's quite easy to spot sweaty hands, nail biting, and other nervous tics. Relaxation techniques and stress management will help you feel open and confident.

• The right handshake. Don't offer "a dead fish" handshake, give a good strong one that will convey confidence.

• Develop etiquette and good manners.

• Voice. Speak clearly, deep warm voice. Master small talk and storytelling.

• Clothes. You really don't have to go for the most expensive and extravagant ones. Wearing tidy and clean would do good. Wear those which are appropriate for the situation. Take into account cultural differences when having a meeting in a different country. Wear things in which you will feel confident.

• Body. Obviously, you don't want to be smelly and dirty. Simply, keep the body washed and well-cared. Being fit is an additional point that grants natural confidence and it's something that you can take care of.

• Be yourself. There are some things which are worth improving, but you don't want to lose "who you are", in order to fake being somebody else. It will be especially important in a longer relationship, it's easy to reveal your "true" identity, as it's energy-consuming to fake all the time.

Philosophical question: What makes you - you? Contemplate on it.

Last impression

Our brain tends to remember the best first thing and the last in the series. That's the reason why the last impression is equally important as the first.

You can keep the ace in your sleeve, so it would be introduced on the grand finale, leaving your guests with a long-lasting positive impression.

Starting a new conversation with complete stranger is an interesting process. It is a skill like any other and can be mastered. Matter of time and repetition.

Let's admit that not every conversation will be great. From the beginning, it is good to understand that some of them will be awkward, as not always it will "click". You can also meet people who would rather spend time on their phones than talking to somebody new. That's all okay!

The first talk shouldn't last for a long time - aim for 5-10 minutes at most. Interact with another person a little bit, and end it. Repeat the process.

Be mindful about it, as you don't want to become somebody, whom people tend to avoid and look for a way to escape.

How to start a conversation?

First and most important, it has to be natural and you need to be relaxed and remain calm within. If you tend to overthink and get into a loop of worry, which stops you from opening your mouth, use '3 seconds' rule. If you see somebody you want to try to talk to - decide within 3 seconds and take an action. Refer to 'safe topics':

• your current environment in which you both are;

• the weather: "Finally we got some sun. "

• to something, you noticed about the person, "Wow I really admire your tattoos, I didn't know that they can get so colourful!"

Relax, it's not worth stressing about what you are going to say. Let yourself flow. Don't talk too much about yourself, and don't ask personal direct questions. That's the first initial stage of communication, so you want to build up things step by step.

Okay, you have spoken! Now observe a person's body language and look for cues to keep going. What signals you would do, or you noticed if you would not be interested in talking, interested only a little bit, very interested?

If the person shows a lack of interest in talking, it's just simply fine to stop talking.

Smile, eye contact (about 60% of the time), opened and relaxed body posture (include leaning towards the speaker) are some of the signs to look for if it comes to "being interested in conversation"

If a person is interested in conversation:

• Listen to what the person is saying and look for shared experiences, circumstances that will keep you going.

• Bring up some humour. Since you don't know the person well, try not to make jokes about other people. It's safe to joke about yourself and the current situation.

• Be conscious of the nonverbal signals you are sending. You want to maintain eye contact, lean slightly towards them, and mirror them. Be emphatic and positive.

• After a while, it's the perfect time to ask a little bit deeper questions like "What brought you here?", "I wonder what do you do for a living?", "Why did you decide to work there?", "Is this what you really like to do?", "Do you have a hobby?", "Where it came from that you started being interested in it?" and so on...

Rapport is a close and harmonious relationship in which the people or groups are "in sync" with each other, understand each other's feelings or ideas, and communicate smoothly.

It happens naturally when people simply get along well, it can also be done consciously, on purpose:

• Mirroring. It is a social phenomenon where one mimics another person's nonverbal signals and even speech patterns. It's often an unconscious behaviour. It can be also used on purpose to build rapport with another individual or group.

Naturally, it can show you that you are vibrating on the same frequency - you are synced. That's a simple indicator that a person or a group emphasize with you. It often can be found in long-term relationships in which people are attuned, but also can be found during the first conversation.

Syncing your breaths is one of the powerful mirroring techniques, which if synced deeply can unlock the ability to feel another person.

Be aware of consciously matching somebody 1:1, as somebody is conscious of this, so techniques might appear directly, can cause a mistrust and ruin potential relationship.

• Looking for commonalities. Looking for things that you have in common and referencing shared interests, dislikes, sense of humour, and experiences. Asking questions can disclose personal details and thus reveal commonalities. Questions which person will answer with 'yes' are best as if stated in the affirmative direction, people tend to follow it readily. If you don't have many things in common, it will take more time and communication, might be harder but it is doable to form a rapport.

• Showing interest in another person. That demonstrates through both nonverbal and verbal communication.

• Being positive and friendly. I will remind it again - relax, smile, keep a positive attitude. People enjoy the company of positive people and all the things which follow this approach.

• Being yourself. No matter if you are a salesman, or a random guy in a shopping queue. Always be the best version of yourself.

There are many rapport-building behaviours that were introduced in other pages of this week. Are you able to highlight which one?

Once rapport is established, it carries dozens of benefits in every field where people and contact between them are involved. The list is really long.

It's good to realize that without rapport you wouldn't have relationships at all. Still, if you are surrounded by people you can always get better both for personal and professional life. You will be able to build rapport faster, more mindfully, and greatly improve your communication.

How does it feel to listen to complaints? It feels very similar in eyes of others as in yours. So if that's possible don't complain. However, if you feel like another person needs your support, spread the light.

What vibrations, emotions are beyond the complaint? What is the core of it? Is it a useful reaction to occurred circumstances? What does it give you? What does it take from others?

Depending on your nature, you might have a tendency to focus on the negative. Observe it, and if you feel like building consciousness, flip this tendency:

• Always look for the good in each circumstance. There is always knowledge and lesson to be received. Stay present, meditate and practice mindfulness.

• Keep on practicing gratitude and find out what makes you happy. Generally focusing on positive often build up positive mind programs. Remember past lessons?

• It's definitely not a good conversation starter. It's quite easy to start with a conversation with the situational complaint, but you can do much better than that!

• Realize and accept that nothing is perfect. There is both pleasure and pain in our present being. Take it as a fact and let the life flow.

• Realize and track your triggers. People have things that turn them on. What are yours? Stay mindful about them, with awareness it's much easier to process it.

• "Be the change you want to see in the world" ~ Ghandi

• Work towards high vibrations. Even a simple feeling when you are tired can make you a bit grumpy.

It's fine to look for support and help in order to solve problems, but it's pointless to even open your mouth if you are not going to change anything. Mindful speech, remember?

Some people have the ability to just walk into a social situation and chat to anyone about anything, keeping conversation without "awkward" silence and boring topics.

It's something you can acquire through practice:

• Practice anywhere, anytime! Challenge yourself and set a number of initiate small talks a day. See everybody as a potential practice partner. From shop assistants to people sitting next to you in events you visit. I know you are creative and you are able to focus on finding solutions rather than excuses. Matter of time and you will become a master of small talk.

• Since you know how important is the art of asking questions, apply it in the practice. You don't have to be the most interesting and entertaining person since you know that is more important to be curious, ask people questions and listen. 80/20 :)

• Connect with surroundings. Ask situational questions. Start with less intimidating questions and deepen the topics gradually with time.

• Is not about what you say, but how you are saying it. Non-verbal communications injected with some positive emotions will do!

Small talk exists to help you to find things you have in common, so you can relate to them, and deepen the topic.

Small talk questions

I prepared for you some small talk questions. It's important that you won't think about the next question you are going to ask, or mindlessly repeat the questions to not forget any of them. When you ask a question, try to deepen the conversations around the topic. After when one topic seems to be drained off, you can flawlessly move to another adequate (to the situation) one.

Relax! No matter of results you are only having fun! Laugh out loud from awkward moments.

• Hello, My name is... I don't really feel comfortable sitting next to somebody and don't know his name. What's your name? (...) Nice to meet you! So I guess next x hours we will spend together.

• I wonder because that's my first time at such an event. What brings you here?

• Wow, this guy is delightful! Where did you hear about this event? I wonder where to find more of them.

• Do you know anybody here? (...) That's funny, it's also my first time. Nice to meet you.

• I am usually a shy guy, learning to become better at small talk. Do you think that questions about the weather are good openers? :D

• Wonder, If you could have an endless stream of money, where would be at this moment?

• Wow, I really enjoy your XYZ I feel that it really fits you.

• I am traveling around. I wonder what is the best hidden gem around here?

You can really ask about anything and find out what works best in a combination with your character. If you are on the high vibrations, and you are interested in another person, questions should flow flawlessly.

Use feedback loop. Observe other people reactions, their energy levels, and test what works and what doesn't.